How Jodi Clifford Spends Her Sunday: A NYTimes Parody
Footnotes and Translation by Jet Jameson
Jodi Clifford has mastered the art of aesthetic existence and turned it into an empire. If you’re not familiar with the name, you’ve probably got her to thank for the millennial pink gallery wall in your living room. Interior Designer, Registered Dietician, Passionate Fashionista, and Beauty Vlogger, and Upper East Sider, she has over 20 million followers across Instagram, TikTok, and most importantly, Pinterest.
While her Tik Tok for the “Perfect 10-Minute-Taquito” went viral last year, her road to content creation has been a decade in the making, as she began her career as an “invisible influencer” on Pinterest.
“For a decade I was just a well-manicured hand, and loose, blonde curls. But I kept my own persona separate from my online content.”
That is until she connected her personal Instagram to her Pin Page. Her following doubled overnight, and her life became a brand.
Within weeks, she was in LA, filming a commercial for Target. Last week, she went ziplining through the Ecuadorian rainforest with Gwenyth Paltrow, as a guest on the star’s Netflix series, “The Goop Lab.”
“I’m grateful for it all really. At the end of the day, it means people trust my taste. It’s like when your friend gets the same coffee order as you and loves it. You feel…just righteous.”
Sunday, January 1st
5:00 AM - Waking up is the worst part of my day. Don’t get me wrong, I love mornings! I believe it was Poe who once said, “Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.”* But I struggle to muscle myself out of bed. Mostly because I have to film myself waking up for my “365 Challenge.” Every day, whether rain or shine, I post a DIML, a “Day in My Life.” And while it’s been hard sleeping next to a bright ring light, and showing my followers my most disheveled self, the consistency has brought me much joy. I turn off the camera once I crawl out of bed, brush my teeth and eat breakfast. Today it was high-protein pancakes, with blueberry ricotta and a side of turkey bacon. I film a slo-mo, high-def, close-up shot of my matcha. I don’t drink it, but after I get a sufficient amount of takes, I pour it into Lucy Loohoo’s bowl. She is my darling rescue dachshund. But really, she rescued me.
* It was Daniel Handler, under the alias “Lemony Snicket.” The author of the “Unfortunate Events” series. Handler was accused of making multiple sexual and racist remarks to employees in 2019.6:30 AM - My personal trainer, Marta, comes over. I used to work out on my own, with just a set of 10-pound dumbbells. But sometime during the pandemic, people started asking me for workout videos, and it left me feeling unqualified, and embarrassed. I wanted to be able to provide my community with fun, safe workouts but knew I was in over my head. Marta comes over on Sundays to train me, yes, but also to film the content we post for “Mondays with Marta.” Every week I try a new workout with Marta’s guidance, and my followers can follow along. This week we tried Tantric Yoga*, featuring my partner, and long-haul hiking influencer, Bryian Jaymes! (@bryionthewildside) Tantric Yoga is a modern twist on traditional Hatha, with added “sexually opening” postures. For example, we executed “the double backed-bear,” where Bryian performed a backbend as I sat on his lap, in a meditative seat. Try it with a partner, or all on your own!
* “Tantric Yoga,” is a bastardization of traditional Yoga as a result of Westernized Yoga. Tantra literally mean “technology,” or “system,” it is simply a practice of Yoga that interweaves pranayama and Asanas. Just like Vinyasa or Hatha Yoga.
8:00 AM - Riled up, and Marta gone, Bryian and I have sex. We snap a post-sex selfie, and share it, sponsored by KY Jelly©. Bryian scored a sponsorship with them after he used their FireN’Ice LuBeTuBe to help the chaffing on his thighs during his hike along the Appalachian Trail. He had to bail out around Roanoke, VA, but the sponsorship is still amazeballs. See what I did there?
9:30 AM - Upload my first TikToks of the day. With my #cleanaesthetic morning routine, #intuitiveeating breakfast, and my “Sunday Reset” content uploaded, my #ItGirl Agenda is done for the day. Now to capture some #darkacademia material.
10:00 AM - Throw on a pair of Oxford trousers and a tweed blazer with elbow pads. I hop on the Uptown 1 to Columbia. I am an Adjunct Professor of Media Studies. My class is called “Content CURATION with Clifford.” Alliteration is so fun. This call is a specialized lecture, and usually we meet on Mondays, but I have a Tanning Session with RayBands scheduled for the same time tomorrow! So Sunday it was!
12:30 PM - Ugh, I love my students. Today we discussed capitalizing on nostalgia to create a new trend. Your childhood memories are commodifiable, people!
2:00 PM - Meet @fayegirlsteph, @hannahhynes, and @thatmillietho for a creator picnic in sheep’s meadow. Hannah, THE coastal-grandma-east-coast-Onassian-genius, had her assistant bring the most amazing afternoon tea set up, complete with a flow blue cupcake tier, and the most delectable finger sandwiches. Millie demanded we film the “Kandance” challenge, which I looked like a right fool doing. I’m gonna have my team reach out to hers to make sure that it’s NOT posted. Steph sprinkled cinnamon around our blanket, I think to ward off bad vibes. It worked! No bad vibes with those girls! I think Millie got her lips done.
5:00 PM - Zoom Meeting with the team over at Nickelodeon to discuss creating a Vegan, Non-Comedogenic formula of slime. I present at the Kid’s Choice Awards next month, and want to maintain my skincare regimen, slime attack included!
8:00 PM - Dinner @ Le Bombe. My personal assistant, and actual lifesaver, Cassidy*, got Bryi and I a rez. A high-concept, laissez-faire Italian-Asian fusion, mom and pop-up experience, it opened up yesterday and it closes tomorrow.* The food was fine. The drinks were great. The meal wasn’t comped, but I blame myself on that one, I should’ve taken more flash-photos, so they’d recognize who I was.
*Cassidy Flubecheck did save Jodi Clifford’s life. Jodi choked on a cashew, and Cassidy performed the Heimlich.*As of publishing, Le Bombe has extended its run to April of 2025. It is fully booked.
10:15 PM - Bryian and I call an Uber Black home. He’s drunk and mumbling about which cross trainers are the best for rockier dry climbs. He is adorably intolerable when he gets like this. I tuck him in when we get home. After filming some “Get Un-Ready With Me” content, I browse Pinterest. While I’ve been accused of being the “Pin-Ultimate Pinterester” by Variety, I still like to peruse for inspiration. Ya know, keep my finger on the pulse and all.
12:00 AM - I turn off all the lights in the guest bath. I fill the sink with water, and a crimson-red bath bomb, for vibes. I light my smallest tea candle, which illuminates the room just enough so I can see my reflection in the mirror. From under the sink, I pull out a small tin, full of relics, and my hot pink craft scissors. I don’t have anything particularly ceremonial, but I hope my candle lighter will do.
From the box I pull out the items I must destroy tonight: My high school yearbook photo, the severed arm of a childhood teddy bear, and a lock of my baby hair.
I take a deep breath. And begin the incantation.
O diabole, invoco te.
(Oh Devil, I call upon you)
Fac mihi somnia vera facit.
(Make my dreams come true)
Anima mea vendo
(My soul I sell)
Pura et vera
(Pure and true)
Ego meam praeteritam
(I destroy my past)
praestare futurum
(to guarantee my future)
Immolo me tibi
( I sacrifice myself to you)
Nescio quid me dicere
( I don’t know what I’m saying)
Latin difficile legere
( Latin is hard to read)
Habeo ideam communem
(I have a general idea)
Volo enim alius decies sectatores in Instagram.
(I wish for another million on Instagram)
I feel my own words hang in the air. The vibration just behind my teeth. First, my graduation photo. I take the scissors and pull the blades across the photo paper, and with a swift snip severed my 17-year-old head from my 17-year-old neck. I watched as the image steeped into the sink’s water.
Next, I looped the point of the scissors around the seam of the teddy bear’s arm, and ripped. The bits of fluff floating down, and landing softly against the edges of the marble.
I pressed his fuzz against my nose, breathing in the faint smell of my mom’s detergent and mold, one last time, before letting the arm fall. The last bit of Sir Bear’saLot.
Finally, my baby hair. Found at the bottom of my mother’s sock drawer, when we cleared it out after the wake, last fall. For this, I take the Bic candle lighter and pull the trigger, and watch as my mother’s precious save burns away. I only wish I had a lock of her’s now.
I take the tea candle into my hand. Feeling the wax drip into my open palm. With one fierce exhalation, I am held in darkness. I close my eyes, quickly, allowing his presence to enter the room.
And when I open my eyes, Diablo stares back at me in the mirror.
He looks just like Trisha Paytas.
